What now.

What next? 

December 2013. I don’t remember what I was going through this time last year. Feels like I’m finally starting to get over a few people. I recently went on a cruise through the Caribbean. Best trip of my life. I understand now why my best friend takes off to see the world every now and then. It’s the most liberating experience ever.

I feel like we just move through motions of time. Life really is nothing but a sequence of moments. Sometimes we’re happy and sometimes we’re sad. Nothing lasts forever and everything takes work if you want it to sparkle.

Michel recently spoke to me on Facebook. Asked if I was doing alright and when I didn’t respond he said that he was proud of where I was going in life. Looked like I had it all together. I was smitten. Best day of my life.

Just before the cruise, I told Ben that I wasn’t interested in him anymore. We had had sex just before I moved out of my apartment. I honestly felt like I was in a horror film. He came into the apartment and just got on top of me. He was panting and grunting. He asked if I liked it, continuously. I couldn’t feel anything. From that point on, things have been different. It took three years to see him in his true light. We’ve exchanged a few emails over the past month since my trip. He said last night that I was different. Really? You think? Over the years, I’ve wanted a relationship with him. Now that I don’t, he’s chasing me. Funny how it works, isn’t it? I remember him sitting in my car telling me how he knew that I wanted him to be my husband. I laugh now thinking about this bullshit. I told him this over email this week. His response was unbelievable. “You’ve always had other things going on.” He tried to pin it on me. Clever little man. Ever wish that your future self could go back in time to talk to your present self?

I ask myself when I think about him, did he ever really know me? He liked me for sex. Did he actually like me or just the fact that I would open my legs for him from time to time?

I met a new guy, Ajay. I have so much fun with him. We’re the same age. Already this is an amazing feat. We have a lot in common and I don’t hide anything from him. I don’t have to impress him or outshine him. It’s nice. We’re kind of dating.. not sure. I call it Light&Fluffy. It’s refreshing after all the little relationships that I’ve had over the past year. He still has a few things to learn about women. 

My current boyfriend is Alae. He went back to Tunisia for a month or so. Compared to Ajay, this guy seems like he’s on a different planet. We don’t communicate well. I know he likes me and vice versa, but how do you fall in love? There’s no spark. It was starting but then he left for his home country. I can’t stop thinking about him not being a Canadian citizen? Could he only want me for papers? We had sex, and again I felt nothing. I’ve had some pretty amazing sex in my lifetime. What do you have to do get that special feeling? An orgasm is an orgasm, but what about that sparkle?

Jimmy popped back into the picture last week. He invited me over for breakfast. Said he would marry me one day. Cutest thing ever. 

I think Ben had a lot to do with the relationship failure rate of 2013. Can I really blame him? Even if I told him that I was dating someone, he would still send me cock pics and sex emails. He always said that he was bad for me, and that he was the reason for my life being screwed up. He’s a manipulator. I had an amazing man in my life, and I still slept with Ben. Enough. 

Ben is over. No more. 

I’d like to travel. I know it’s not the right time to jump ship. I feel like bigger things are coming. People are telling me that I’m wasting my time in my current job and not living life enough or managing my time properly. Slow and easy always wins the race. I’m not ready yet. I know the night I took off to NYC last year, I had the time of my life. It was spontaneous. So is the rest of my life. 

I’m happy where I am. Need to clean up the love life a little bit. One at a time. 

No more sex. 

 

Avalina

For those of you who don’t believe in that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, world series kind of love… It exists. We literally had a virtual relationship? Phone sex included. ;- ) It was perfect. If only it would have been actually me. This man was so real and I twisted him. Lead him on. Lied to him.

About a year ago, I had created an alter-ego. I was 5’4″, blonde, lean… fearless femme fatale. I met a guy online, and we ended up falling in love with each other. Over 7 months, we spent 3-6 hours a day on the phone and never met. He would call me at 7:01 every morning on his way to work, and the train would go through this tunnel around 7:26 where the phone would cut off… usually mid-I-Love-You. Then we he would call me back at 7:35 depending sometimes 7:37… Wonderful way to start your day. I loved him, what I knew of him through the receiver of my phone.

Eventually, i had to get creative with my stories because he was on to me. I could feel it. I told him I was pregnant with twins. We had tried to break things off several times, we just couldn’t get enough of each other. He even started seeing someone else while he was in love with Ava. It was eating at me, tearing me apart. I would cry after hours of speaking with him. Love? Joy? Sadness? Helplessness? I was so involved in this lie that I didn’t know how to get out of it without hurting either of us.

He had mentioned to me that he was coming to my town to play poker. The Mohawk Casino just happened to be minutes from my house. I wrote a quick letter with lyrics to a song we were both naming our own. I called one of my close friends, and we drove over to Poker Playground. He had told what kind of car he drove and that he had recently hit a yellow cement pillar. My friend and I drove in circles trying to find it. Finally, when we did, I skipped over and placed the envelop in the door handle. This was the closest Ava had ever been to her lover.

He called to invite me over, and when I refused… He got quiet.
He had the letter in his hand, which I had sprayed with my CocoChanel.

I had to tell him.

7 months had gone by. How had I let this happen.

At this point, as I was trying to hold back tears telling him the story about what had happened, I couldn’t help but think how intoxicating the perfume must have been for him to bear.

Earlier in the week, He had set up a rendez-vous point. We were to meet at a mall and enter from different entrances. We would then call each other, and meet up somewhere in the middle. This way we were both already well into the conversation that nothing would be awkward. He even included a map with colors indicating our separate routes.

After I laid all my cards on the table, I told him that I would follow his instructions if he could find it in his heart to meet me. He said that he would be there. 12 sharp.

I saw him sitting in his car. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I called him. I could hear that he was frustrated in his voice. Angry. Upset. This mad my heart race. Was it going to be a confrontation between the two of us? I was already feeling vulnerable.

He walked up to me. His eyes were cold as ice.

I looked at him, stern. cold. poker face. But I couldn’t hold it for very long.

He hugged me. And told me everything was alright.

We saw each other a few times, but it wasn’t the same. He had called me a few weeks later at 3am. Our usual time, and it was strange. He called once more following our last date. He was upset, and had manged to cry himself to sleep. His last words to me were, “I don’t even know why I called you.”

I was obviously devastated. I had developed real feeling for this man, who didn’t even know the real me. It hurt and to this day, no one has measured up to Michel.

It’s his birthday today. What to do…this time last year, I was on the phone with him celebrating his 27th…this year….

Regardless of the reasoning, I managed to break this man’s heart. I still think about him and wonder if I even deserve his forgiveness.

How do you fix something like this?

Words of Monroe

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
— Marilyn Monroe