2015 – Break through Year

I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. Is this love?

Brad. What a character. We met while my parents were away on vacation. We had spoken for hours on end the previous week and finally decided to take the leap and meet. It was awesome. He took me to a coffee shop in a trendy part of town. We had carrot soup with tea. Amazing date! I had just come from church after passing the night at work. I was exhausted. ha! I made it work though. Sadly, he said that night after spending another 2-3 hours on the phone that he didn’t see us going long term. He offered sex. Being the person that I am, I wanted to fuck with him for being such an douche. I told him I was a virgin. I basically wanted to make him feel like an inconsiderate idiot for offering sex…straight up.

Stupid move. You should never lie to someone because it may come back to haunt you.

I just got home from an evening out with Brad… three months after our first meet. He had said that our paths would diverge but I had a feeling that we wouldn’t lose touch. We got on too well to just throw that away.

So!

Can we discuss tonight?

Four hours in our cars (Mine first then his)
Two Coffees with Baileys
Two Cigarettes
A kiss on the cheek to thank me for listening
One Goodnight text to make sure I got home alright.

Where has this man been all my life and where can I find more? We literally talked about everything down to sex details and positions. There was no flirting… no pressure… I don’t think I’ve ever had that with a guy. Breakthrough!!

This year has been amazing. My company changed owners which has thrown me for a loop with new challenges. It’s keeping me on my toes. I’ve learned a lot about myself when dealing with new things under pressure. I was able to talk to my male colleague a few nights ago without feeling inferior. Experience isn’t an intimidating issue anymore now that we’re all equals in this new company. Confidence peek? I think, yes!!

This week was also an amazing workout week. Despite failing to finish my workout tonight due to ankle issues, I feel like I’m on fire. I want to burn. I think I’m going to book the trip to the camp that Andrea went too. I want to devote a significant amount of time to working out and getting fit. I want to live to my full potential.

A few weeks ago, I thought I saw Ben at the movie theater. I was dismantled. 100% hyperventilating- breakdown. Thank goodness Jaclyn was with me at the time, I’m not sure what I would have done had I been alone. I have fought with the idea of contacting him over the last couple of days. Emma emailed him to touch base instead. I’m happy that I have amazing friends. I have amassed a group of friends with a multitude of talent that is out of this world.  I hope to add Brad to my list.

Tonight was different. Brad called me earlier tonight to tell me about the women in his life. I welcomed this. After my workout, I asked him if he would like to get a drink. I couldn’t believe the words that came out of my mouth. They were out before I had a chance to process. Jaclyn was in the car next to me listening to his sexy voice. encouraging this. I was still in gym clothes. In a way, I suppose I’m happy that I didn’t fully participate in the workout. I would have been disgusting and sweaty haha! No Good!!

A few texts were exchanged and I was headed up to Mont Royal with Baileys to meet Brad. We basically had pillow talk. It was that comfortable between us. We shared stories.. laughed a lot… It was an amazing feeling. We actually switched phones and swiped on tinder discussing our likes and dislikes. We messaged a few people too. What a night! Before we had met up, he asked if meeting at midnight up on the mountain was too romantic. I explained that I was just coming from the gym and that the sole purpose of this meet was to talk about his lady drama. ha! I offered to put a little lip gloss on to set the mood if he wanted something a little more romantic.. we had a good laugh. We honestly make each other so comfortable. I can’t fathom the potential we have together! I think we could take on the world!

We need people in our lives that can uplift you. People who are able to meet you eye to eye and equally input effort into friendships. I am a victim of always being the pillar for other people. I am usually the powerhouse in a friendship and tonight I didn’t have to be. We were on equal ground each bringing something to the table. Again, I’ll say it – Breakthrough of the CENTURY. This will help me moving forward in my life.

I’m laying in bed right now thinking about him. It’s different than the way I felt with Ben or Mounir. I suppose I feel protected and valued. Brad gave no sign of wanting anything more than friendship tonight. He wasn’t interested in sex or using me for my money. Mounir and Ben were sex animals. I think I was too at a certain season but that’s another story. You can find more about my past life in the rest of this blog along with debilitating stories of both Ben and Mounir. I loved them both but I didn’t have this connection with them.

In the beginning, Ben gave me a similar feeling;however once he starting asking for sex or sexual favors after each phone conversation/date, things got old. Of course, he will always have a special place in my heart even thought he lied to me about  a lot of things. I poured my heart out to him about many things in my life. He was there for me through the growing pains and the issues with my parents. Don’t forget, I met Ben at 18. Life throws you curve balls and he helped me through all of them. Ben being my first love, I thought it was normal to give myself away on a whim. It’s all I knew. I followed Ben’s methods and thought they were the norm. Silly Girl!

Mounir was another special person. He was the next big love after Ben. I screwed that up by sleeping with Ben while I made Mounir wait 3 months for sex. The things we learn when we’re young… Andrea had told me to make Mounir wait. I was stupid. We had such passion. It was a breath of fresh air from Ben who would strip at the front door and demand me on my knees within seconds of walking into my house. Mounir knew how to touch me to heat me up. It was amazing. I remember, he used to pin me up against the wall and cup my breasts while pushing slightly inwards on my nipples. I would go weak in the knees. Several times, he ended up having to physically hold me up because the pleasure was too much to handle. Why didn’t I sleep with this man to satiate that need?? We’ll never know. Lots of firsts with him though once we did make love. I actually had anal sex with Mounir and a few months after we had broken up, I had a threesome with him. Many firsts.

I feel like both relationships left me with scars. Neither one was a committed relationship. We never had the talk. We never decided that we were exclusive, I just assumed. Communication is key. I have that open channel with Brad. I lied to him about my sexual experience though. I don’t think I can fix that without breaking the barrier of trust. I don’t think Brad and I will ever be something more than friends at this point. It’s just nice to be able to talk to him like a girlfriend. No pressure. I feel like hooking up with Brad would be one of those totally random things. Don’t get me wrong, I am attracted to him. He’s voiced that he’s very attracted to me however I shut him down when he had originally offered sex. I think I may have scared him a little bit. He said that he hasn’t offered sex to a woman the way he did with me since that incident. I love it! ha! When we first started talking, he was recently out of a ten year relationship- The guy had no clue how to date let alone get sex from someone significantly younger. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. 🙂

I miss Mounir sometimes. He had a lot of secrets. I remember Mohammed telling me that after simply looking at one of his pictures. Mohammed… another interesting story.

Tonight, I’m going to meet another guy to help him study for an interview. I shared a New Years kiss with him. It was earth shattering. I wonder that it would be like to kiss Brad?

That’s all for now. I kind of wish I wasn’t alone in bed right now. Sex or not, I want company. The meaning of sex changes as you grow up. I remember looking to sex for recognition. If I put out, I would have male attention. It doesn’t work like that anymore. Life gets busy and you learn to prioritize. I haven’t had sex since Dec 6, 2013. Alae was my last experience. I have a weird feeling tonight. I would like to say that I’m horny but I’m not. It’s like I have this deep deep desire to be loved. I’ve never felt like this before. I would give anything to simply be next to someone. Strange.

I would like to talk to Jimmy about what happened that night he came over. I think I need closure.

A phone number change may happen soon.

I want sex. I need to be in love. I want someone who values me for more than sex. Learning curves are great! I can’t wait to see what happens next with my friendships.

Hello Virgin Ava. 🙂  I genuinely feel happier not having sex. After reading through posts about previous experiences, I believe this is the most uplifting post I have ever written. It may be an age and maturity thing however, we have made progress in life.

Peace!

One year later…

Oh how things have changed!

A couple of dress sizes smaller and a whole lot happier, here I am! I have been celibate since Alae in December. I’m very happy after reading all the bad experiences I went through with men and sex. Totally different views on everything!

A Quick Update:

Mounir is still in my life. I haven’t seen him since the hottub moment with my bestfriend. He calls me from time to time. I think I still have feelings for him.

Bakr is another great story. He will need a post for himself. This time last year, I packed up the apartment and left him his mattress and a note. Never looked back.

Nick is back in Toronto with his wife and child. Interesting?

Moe is still an idiot.

Alae’s ex-girlfriend walked in on us and attacked me.

I haven’t heard from Bob. I told him that I didn’t want sex and he told me that sex was the only way he could express himself. I think he has bigger problems than I do.

Michel has talked to me a few times. With all the working out, I’m just that much closer to becoming Ava.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at the things happening around you.

From Ava

I’m sitting here thinking to myself about the people that are going to read this post. I haven’t written in a while. I actually gave up sex all together a few months ago. I woke up one morning and found that I was seeking love in an empty orgasm. Tough to write and re-read that last sentence. It’s true though. Giving up that desire has opened a few new life perspectives for me. 

The scar on my right breast is painful. I put it there. I’ve never damaged myself before- degraded myself for someone else’s pleasure. I found myself in exploring a certain lifestyle while still seeking that need to feel loved and desired. Seems letting go of sex wasn’t enough since it didn’t solve the root cause for my promiscuity.I have always had a darker side. A submissive side. A dominant vixen at times. I never really acted on those characters until a few weeks ago in New York City. I went to be fitted for a corset. Not only would this make me thinner but it would give me a new confidence knowing that I was tightlaced. Something was hugging me- holding me tight-supporting me. 

I have these feelings and I usually choose to dismiss them. I’m not sure if I should entertain them or not. Voicing any of this exposes a weaker side of me. I’m a strong woman who has ventured through many experiences. Little things shouldn’t bother me. Eventually they build up after being swept under the rug. It’s always by choice. I am an only child. This may mean something to you if you share that privilege. I never had to share or voice my opinion. I grew up surrounded by adults who would tell me how beautiful or smart I was at the time. Is this not the usual response to children in a group of adults? 

Over the past few weeks, I have dived head first into church and everything God. It’s been refreshing. It’s kept my mind occupied. I’ve learned a lot. Then suddenly the messages became about struggle. Everywhere I turned people were telling me about how to get through a crisis. Someone actually asked me if I needed prayer at church. This set me off. Did I look that bad? I politely explained to the group of women that I had been awake since noon the previous day due to engagements and my overnight career choice. I was no where near crisis or warzone. I did have a few spiritual battles but nothing that a conversation with God didn’t fix. This week I made a decision. A choice that I could have easily avoided had I been solid in God’s word. Now I have a fresh wound to remind me of my weakness in that moment. 

I joined a website devoted to a bdsm lifestyle. It was thrilling. I posted a few pictures of me in my new corset. I got so many comments. For a moment I felt like I found a community that accepted me. I don’t understand that my body was going through. The lack of physical intimacy is starting to get difficult, I suppose. Maybe the spring weather? My body is going insane for attention. Well, I met a lot of interesting people. (Before you judge read on.) Messages started flooding my inbox asking about my intentions, fetishes and hardlimits. I hadn’t thought about these things. I was just exploring. 

What surprised me the most was my answers to these emails. I was finally putting words to my emotions. This is and always has been a rarity. It was very empowering to be able to discuss my desires, fears, and curiosities. It was very refreshing. 

An excerpt from a conversation that I had. Keep in mind that I have never had to talk about this to anyone. I feel like this experience was therapeutic in some ways. 

You are so incredibly adorable and sexy. I would love to get to know you.

I’m 47, Italian, very outgoing, love to laugh and have fun, passionate about live and love, playful, creative, romantic, athletic, spontaneous, and I love meeting new people and experiencing new things. I’m an adventurer!

I’m more of a sensual or gentle dom. I love the whole seduction part of the relationship, being together, touching, cuddling, and moving toward more it we progress together slowly. I would rub your back at night and run fingers through your hair while you fall asleep, just adoring you, touching you, caressing you, adoring you. You can be in control through passion and pleasure, not just strength and aggression. But I know there is a time for passion and romance and discipline too. And of course, nothing quite like the after care.

Tell me more about your submissive side. You have me so curious.

Hugs!

 

written 5 days ago:

Thank you for your kind words. Very refreshing after reading some of the others. I’d love to know more. I’m here to learn and be trained. I believe this is the best way to get to know yourself as you push yourself to your limits with the trust of someone else.

 

written 4 days ago:

And I am here to find a beautiful girl to teach and train. I love that you are so open to that and that you understand the meaning of trust and relationship. You sound so sweet.

Tell me more about you. What first sparked your interest in being submissive? Also, what were your early sexual experiences like? What did you first experiment with and how did it progress from there? Those experience tend to be so formative and telling for us. I can’t wait to hear more. I would be happy to share more too…

 

written 4 days ago:

You’re the first to ask about my early sexual experiences. I feel like I lived in sexual oppression for the longest time. I grew up in a church family where sex was meant only for after marriage. I didn’t date much either. Men didn’t interest me as I didn’t understand the concept of dating while your parents had to drive you around and pay for your dates.

When I turned 16 I moved away for college. This was a whole new playing field for me. I lived in a co-ed dorm but still I didn’t have interest in sex. I would masturbate but never in visioning a man touching me. I had been conditioned to only want sex after marriage. I came home one weekend while my parents were down south and invited a friend over. He took advantage of me being home alone even though I had said no several times. It was as if he blacked out and couldn’t control what he was doing. Once he had penetrated I saw his eyes change. I suppose he didn’t believe that I was a virgin until he saw the blood on his cock. He got out of bed telling me to shower immediately while he got dressed. I obliged. Then he made me drive him back to the city at 3 or 4 in the morning. Not the fairytale I had imagined.

I’m interested in bdsm because you have control. I have been conditioned to like certain things and to react certain ways to sexuality. I look at men more as pawns in the city. With the right amount of cleavage and flirting a woman can make a man bend over backwards for her. After dominating this class of men I have found myself wanting something deeper. I don’t consider myself damaged after what happened but it has left me with a bitterness towards casual sex which evidently has shut me down.

I believe through submission and training I can learn to love myself as more than an object for a man to play with when he is in need. I believe with the right amount of conditioning I can learn to cum at someone’s command by giving all my trust to them. I cannot give my virginity anymore.. This is what I have left.

 

This may put things into perspective for you. Again I was looking for that feeling of love and belonging. Even that night that I had the guy over. I had said no but in the back of my mind I had a guy that wanted me. This was a wow factor. What is wrong with me? And why do I seek have this need? With all my sexual experiences I have managed to distort the purpose of intimacy. It’s not meant to be selfish. In a relationship, if each person devoted themselves to pleasing the other the divorce rate would be lower. Instead we look to others to please ourselves and to fill our own needs. Being Me-Centered has never brought upon success and victory although this is exactly what we’re doing today.  

An acquaintance had texted me in the interim. I remember him being dominant. Of course this intrigued me. I figured since we didn’t know each other very well that I could share this with him. He was very open to this. Amazing! He shared stories of his life as a dom with his ex. He really enjoyed it. I saw this as an opportunity. A few nights ago he had me on cam and asked me to pinch my right nipple. I was intrigued. I followed his instruction. Then he asked me to drag my nails vertically across my breast. I complied until he revealed the purpose. He wanted to see blood. Red flag. I understood the little bit of pain to translate into a turn on. There was no way I was going to break skin to please him. He was persuasive. Told me over and over that it was pleasing him. I guess I wasn’t paying attention enough to the pain as his words soothed me. I didn’t understand the feelings coming over me. Then he said that he wanted to see me in tears. I didn’t understand this either. The fact that I was confused kept me from stopping. Curiosity drew me in deeper. Ten minutes into the conversation I looked down and noticed that I had broke skin. Panic set in. What had I done? What drove me to do this without more question or discernment? I hung up the phone and told him I needed a minute. Then the tears that he had been waiting for started to fall.

Naturally, women seek love and men seek respect. If you’re looking in the wrong places you’ll find a distorted version of what you think you may need. In a bdsm relationship you communicate about your needs and limits. Then you both push each other to the edge with trust knowing that you are taking joy in the other person. It’s a two way street. A dominant is respected and worshiped while the submissive feels a sense of love and ownership. This is similar to what God intended for a marriage. Two people come together like a puzzle each with roles to build a relationship. It seems this idea of a fuck buddy who will beat you to get you to feel emotion is the easy way out. It’s a quick fix. 

I’m not sure had this experience taken place in person if I would have felt differently. I believe it was meant as an emotional release but the fact that it was over the phone left no room for him to care for me after pleasing him. There was nothing in the equation to reward me. Being a novice I didn’t think of this before delving into this phone conversation. Aftercare is crucial. You are supposed to build trust with your partner and know that he will be able to control the situation so you both enjoy yourselves. A few days later, I’m bruised on my beautiful white skin. Healing physically but damaged emotionally.

It’s been the same sexual experience over and over. Each time it;s taken a little piece of me with it. Every guy that bedded me took something from me that didn’t belong to them. Is it only me who feels this conviction when engaging in this activities? I was looking for love in the wrong places. I was looking to be comforted. I thought that so long as I had a man ontop of me loving my body it would sooth whatever emotional needs that I had. All they cared about was getting their dick wet. Sure they may have enjoyed my company but not enough to be in a relationship with me. I punish myself for this. Why am I not relationship material? Why have I not found someone who wants me for more than sex? I feel like an object.

It took a long time to realize this.  I have slept with anyone since October 2013. Minor set back with the bdsm guy but I believe that I’ve learned a lot about myself in these past few months. 

There’s a lot to write but I’m falling asleep now.  

 

 

 

 

What now.

What next? 

December 2013. I don’t remember what I was going through this time last year. Feels like I’m finally starting to get over a few people. I recently went on a cruise through the Caribbean. Best trip of my life. I understand now why my best friend takes off to see the world every now and then. It’s the most liberating experience ever.

I feel like we just move through motions of time. Life really is nothing but a sequence of moments. Sometimes we’re happy and sometimes we’re sad. Nothing lasts forever and everything takes work if you want it to sparkle.

Michel recently spoke to me on Facebook. Asked if I was doing alright and when I didn’t respond he said that he was proud of where I was going in life. Looked like I had it all together. I was smitten. Best day of my life.

Just before the cruise, I told Ben that I wasn’t interested in him anymore. We had had sex just before I moved out of my apartment. I honestly felt like I was in a horror film. He came into the apartment and just got on top of me. He was panting and grunting. He asked if I liked it, continuously. I couldn’t feel anything. From that point on, things have been different. It took three years to see him in his true light. We’ve exchanged a few emails over the past month since my trip. He said last night that I was different. Really? You think? Over the years, I’ve wanted a relationship with him. Now that I don’t, he’s chasing me. Funny how it works, isn’t it? I remember him sitting in my car telling me how he knew that I wanted him to be my husband. I laugh now thinking about this bullshit. I told him this over email this week. His response was unbelievable. “You’ve always had other things going on.” He tried to pin it on me. Clever little man. Ever wish that your future self could go back in time to talk to your present self?

I ask myself when I think about him, did he ever really know me? He liked me for sex. Did he actually like me or just the fact that I would open my legs for him from time to time?

I met a new guy, Ajay. I have so much fun with him. We’re the same age. Already this is an amazing feat. We have a lot in common and I don’t hide anything from him. I don’t have to impress him or outshine him. It’s nice. We’re kind of dating.. not sure. I call it Light&Fluffy. It’s refreshing after all the little relationships that I’ve had over the past year. He still has a few things to learn about women. 

My current boyfriend is Alae. He went back to Tunisia for a month or so. Compared to Ajay, this guy seems like he’s on a different planet. We don’t communicate well. I know he likes me and vice versa, but how do you fall in love? There’s no spark. It was starting but then he left for his home country. I can’t stop thinking about him not being a Canadian citizen? Could he only want me for papers? We had sex, and again I felt nothing. I’ve had some pretty amazing sex in my lifetime. What do you have to do get that special feeling? An orgasm is an orgasm, but what about that sparkle?

Jimmy popped back into the picture last week. He invited me over for breakfast. Said he would marry me one day. Cutest thing ever. 

I think Ben had a lot to do with the relationship failure rate of 2013. Can I really blame him? Even if I told him that I was dating someone, he would still send me cock pics and sex emails. He always said that he was bad for me, and that he was the reason for my life being screwed up. He’s a manipulator. I had an amazing man in my life, and I still slept with Ben. Enough. 

Ben is over. No more. 

I’d like to travel. I know it’s not the right time to jump ship. I feel like bigger things are coming. People are telling me that I’m wasting my time in my current job and not living life enough or managing my time properly. Slow and easy always wins the race. I’m not ready yet. I know the night I took off to NYC last year, I had the time of my life. It was spontaneous. So is the rest of my life. 

I’m happy where I am. Need to clean up the love life a little bit. One at a time. 

No more sex. 

 

Life.

I’m not sure what’s going on anymore.

I had a full blown argument with Ben. It’s done.

Mounir left for Morocco for two months. We’ll see where that goes when he comes back. At this point, I’d like him for sex. He’s a good guy. The type that will come running if you’re stuck in a snow bank. Hmm.. I hope he comes back..

But I’ve been seeing someone. He’s new. And I haven’t wanted sex from him. This is a strange twist isn’t it?

After the summer I had with Bakr, I was sort of done with men. He played with me psychologically. It was brutal. The fact that I let it happen is even worse. It’s as if I could see it happening but my hands were tied? He’s frustrate me and then pull me back in. He came home to en empty apartment about a month ago. It was very libertaing.

The new guy is fabulous. We’ve been dating since the end of September. There was a minor set back when his ex-girlfriend showed up and tried to attack me. I’ve never had to deal with the ex before. This was…

His mother passed away about a week ago. He’s back in his hometown to be with family for the moment. I miss him. It’s crazy. We would text.. and talk on the phone.. It’s like we couldn’t get enough of each other. It’s a nice feeling when someone is obsessed with you as much as you are with them.

Plus he’s been to church with me. Mega Plus!

It’s been 2 months of no sex. This is a new leaf!

Tornado of Events…

Update from Sept 5 that was saved as a draft instead of being posted… hmm.

I haven’t had a chance to share anything for a while. My life has felt like the eye of a tornado. So many thing have happened since the last post. Let’s begin.

My best friend came to visit for a few weeks at the beginning of August. This should be a red flag to anyone who knows me. Let me tell you, She is the light of my life. Even though we only see each other a few times a year; our friendship is like a dance. We complete each others sentences; we’re in sync. It’s always a blasty blast when she’s in town. I feel like a butterfly coming out of her cocoon.

As I emerge from my boring, sheltered, workaholic life, something changes. It’s like my life has color. Usually, it takes me a while to let anyone in- to warm up to people, even lovers. Probably why I don’t have a very strong relationship success rate. The guys think I’m cold and inexpressive for the first few months and once they give up… I start to warm up. That’s life I suppose. Mid-trip, Andrea leaves me the keys to her house with the spa. I have the brilliant idea to invite Mounir over with Emma. Why not? Mounir shows up at my place and we take off. My best friend follows in my car barely keeping up. Finally, we arrive and the sangria starts flowing. Mounir has never seen me with friends let alone drinking. I put on the Luvstep music to heat things up.

Honestly, it was awkward at first. We sat around the kitchen table trying to converse. Mounir barely speaks english. I could tell he was nervous. He kept saying, Fuck my Life. ha Cute.. but after the 75th time.. It was rubbing me the wrong way haha! The bestie decides she wants to go in the spa. THANK GOD! ha She’s drunk by now.. or just really happy. So am I. She goes to get ready.. I tell her to go set everything up while I get changed. Mounir corners me in the bedroom and starts making out with me HARD. I couldn hardly hold back.. I fall to my knees and kiss his thighs… all around his cock… He takes me hands holding them to his chest. It was amazing. He pulled me up quick quick and turned me around and.. slipped in. I was not expecting this. I’m hoping that she can’t see us. Or am I? This starts to spin in my mind. Then he pulls out. He said it was a preview for what was to come. I strip down and we both get changed.

In the spa, he calls a meeting. So the three of us move into the middle of the spa. I’m nervous. I’m not sure I want to share him or if I want to do anything with  a chick. Things could go either way. I can see that he’s clearly into some sort of “play” tonight. We giggle, there’s major eye contact between me and the bestie. We’re both trying to telepathically tell each other what we’re down to do. I still haven’t made up my mind. About 15 minutes of this… and Mounir gets impatient and kisses her. My heart drops. But then he has has hand on my pussy under water. Okay. I can deal with this. Live porn? ha! He goes back and forth… Then he has both of us at the same time… fingering both of us. I am going insane. Yes Yes Yes! He made a comment about us being in sync with each other. As he was with each of us, the other would go back to her corner to wait her turn. Our friendship is like a dance. How amazing would it be to be poly with your best friend and your boyfriend. Best of both worlds? Crazy thoughts no?

We told Mounir that we needed a girl moment before we went back into the house. He told us that we would dry up from being in the water. We talked a bit, I was fine with them fooling around but since we have both been with an excessive amount of men we decided that he could go down on us and that was about it. I would give him a bj if needed.

We head back into the house. I take the first shift.. giving him an opportunity to fuck while she’s in the shower… or doing whatever she was doing haha I told him that we weren’t comfy with sex.. he said fine. It was his first time with two girls. Again.. in the bed. He had a woman on either side of him. I would have given anything to be in his head.

He went down on her. and then me.. and then crawled ontop of me. Is this for real? She bolted out of the room.. and he came within 3 minutes. ha Beautiful. I was falling asleep and he said that he had to go. Sad face. Sleep beside me please?

He kissed us goodbye and I haven’t seen him since. It’s October 14th. He was leaving for Morocco that week. Said he would be in touch when he got back. Still waiting.

Bree: Everything to everyone

Couldn’t agree more!

Beau Dacious

A recent discussion while on a date highlighted that both men and women struggle with the way our roles have changed and the expectations put on us by society and by potential partners.

Whereas men used to be expected to provide financial security and strength for their partner and/or family, and women were expected to look after the house and the children, that is rarely the case in the world we currently live and date in. And while I’m certainly not saying that I would like to go back to the way things were – I value that I live in a time when women have the option and choice of doing pretty much anything we want – it was a time when things were simpler and gender roles were clearly defined.

The conversation I had was with an intelligent, successful, attractive, confident man in his 40s with varied interests…

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One Last Hook Up

Amazing!!

Roommates

I might be falling in love with my roommate. I took in a friend for a few months and I find myself enjoying the time we spend together. He’s so… open.

Yesterday, we came out to my parents place together. They’re away down south. I figured we’d take advantage of their washer/dryer and pool. My roommate mowed the lawn while I fixed us lunch and did the laundry. Then we sat out by the pool for a few hours. It was sooooooo nice. I caught him staring at me a few times.

The only other time I’ve felt like this was just before Ben came back to Canada. We had decided to not cum for 3 weeks. From the day he told me he was coming back until the day he arrived, I had saved myself for him. It was so rewarding. Made me love him even more.

I spoke to Ben about the new guy. He calls him my pet Arab. haha! He said I should just let things go as they are. He also said that it was time to settle for something stable for a little bit. I agree.

We’ll see where things go. I might be blogging about wedding bells soon. Imagine?! A Moroccan wedding…

Living with a Man

So many things to update!

Ben is in the friend zone at the moment. It was a big hoopla of complication talks and lots of tears that brought us to the friend zone area. Might I add that we’re still sleeping together? We’ve come a long way. The sex was becoming boring. It would be quickies before work. He would literally strip at my front door and then missionary it in the bedroom. No fun for me.

Last week, he invited me to a hotel. This was new. We’re looking into escorts and such since he’s always dreamed of a threesome. I won’t do it, so I suggested hiring two girls of his choice. He said he would give me the BFE (Boyfriend Experience – for those of you who know about agencies the base rate for a girl covers the GFE. This is called the girlfriend experience.) This went well. We even made a video and took pictures during. I wore a long black trench coat with a black negligee and garter. He was floored. I felt really good.

Mounir.

This was an experience and a half. I’ve only fallen a few times so far. Michel would be the first, Ben the second, and Mounir. Strongest feelings. Maybe because I could see a future with them all?

Mounir was 32 and married. I didn’t know the latter until we were six months into our relationship. He was good to me though. I tried the 3 month rule with him and it killed us. He became distant about a month in. The first 3 dates I thought we were going to explode with the amount of passion that was between us. Definite spark. 🙂 He disappeared though. One day he was just gone.. I’m not sure I’m over it yet. Lack of closure might be keeping me from forgetting him.

 

And now, Bakr lives with me. After everything, I figured why not just get a male roommate? We went out a few times. Told him I was a virgin, and he still wanted to see me. Bonus! We may end up dating.. He kisses me goodnight. It’s cute.

 

More on this topic to come..