What is it about ex-boyfriends that we like so much? They have the prefix for a reason, no?
Ben is supposed to come to Canada this week. This is playing on my heart strings. Is it because I miss him, or I miss the idea of him? We’ve made it seem so perfect over e-mail and Skype. Like two lovers separated by an ocean involuntarily longing to be with each other. Is it real though? If Ben were in the country, would we be a couple? Oh it’s complicated.
Peter is back in the picture. Since I’m living in this sketchy building, it’s been nice to have him around. He’s like a body guard which is great considering I’m all alone in this big city. We slept together last week. It wasn’t planned. We talked about it since he’s been over in my bed for about a week. Peter added me on facebook a few weeks back, and then he texted me. I invited him over and he fell asleep on my couch- too cute. 6ft2 man on my little love seat… I tried to wake him but he was passed out. He had been going through some rough times, so if he felt safe with me then good for him. God knows I would have given anything to have that kind of comfort over the last few months. I put out a pillow and blanket in case he woke up. Much to my surprise around 3am, I felt him crawling into bed beside me. I almost started to cry. Peter wrapped his arms around me so naturally. I felt so protected. I had only dreamed about this. Ever since then, he’s been over in the morning for some cuddling. Amazing! We spoke about fooling around… because he’s still in love with his ex..and I as well… And then it just happened. One more to add to the list. How do I feel about this?
Am I desensitized to sex? Is that a lack of confidence or is it because of Jimmy practically raped me at 17 while my parents were away in Punta Cana? Is that what changed it all for me? Who knows.
My parents are back together as if nothing happened. How am I supposed to react to this now? Lots of questions to be answered. We all went out for dinner last night. It was so strange. We did in a bottle of wine as a family. That was a first. They were asking me what I was buying them for their anniversary- two weeks ago they were getting divorced. I’m so confused.
I need therapy.
Ben. Peter. Sex Life. Psychotic Parents… what else? I haven’t even told you about James yet 😉
Thank goodness I’m a Christian. Without God’s love in my life, I don’t know what I would do.
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