I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. Is this love?
Brad. What a character. We met while my parents were away on vacation. We had spoken for hours on end the previous week and finally decided to take the leap and meet. It was awesome. He took me to a coffee shop in a trendy part of town. We had carrot soup with tea. Amazing date! I had just come from church after passing the night at work. I was exhausted. ha! I made it work though. Sadly, he said that night after spending another 2-3 hours on the phone that he didn’t see us going long term. He offered sex. Being the person that I am, I wanted to fuck with him for being such an douche. I told him I was a virgin. I basically wanted to make him feel like an inconsiderate idiot for offering sex…straight up.
Stupid move. You should never lie to someone because it may come back to haunt you.
I just got home from an evening out with Brad… three months after our first meet. He had said that our paths would diverge but I had a feeling that we wouldn’t lose touch. We got on too well to just throw that away.
So!
Can we discuss tonight?
Four hours in our cars (Mine first then his)
Two Coffees with Baileys
Two Cigarettes
A kiss on the cheek to thank me for listening
One Goodnight text to make sure I got home alright.
Where has this man been all my life and where can I find more? We literally talked about everything down to sex details and positions. There was no flirting… no pressure… I don’t think I’ve ever had that with a guy. Breakthrough!!
This year has been amazing. My company changed owners which has thrown me for a loop with new challenges. It’s keeping me on my toes. I’ve learned a lot about myself when dealing with new things under pressure. I was able to talk to my male colleague a few nights ago without feeling inferior. Experience isn’t an intimidating issue anymore now that we’re all equals in this new company. Confidence peek? I think, yes!!
This week was also an amazing workout week. Despite failing to finish my workout tonight due to ankle issues, I feel like I’m on fire. I want to burn. I think I’m going to book the trip to the camp that Andrea went too. I want to devote a significant amount of time to working out and getting fit. I want to live to my full potential.
A few weeks ago, I thought I saw Ben at the movie theater. I was dismantled. 100% hyperventilating- breakdown. Thank goodness Jaclyn was with me at the time, I’m not sure what I would have done had I been alone. I have fought with the idea of contacting him over the last couple of days. Emma emailed him to touch base instead. I’m happy that I have amazing friends. I have amassed a group of friends with a multitude of talent that is out of this world. I hope to add Brad to my list.
Tonight was different. Brad called me earlier tonight to tell me about the women in his life. I welcomed this. After my workout, I asked him if he would like to get a drink. I couldn’t believe the words that came out of my mouth. They were out before I had a chance to process. Jaclyn was in the car next to me listening to his sexy voice. encouraging this. I was still in gym clothes. In a way, I suppose I’m happy that I didn’t fully participate in the workout. I would have been disgusting and sweaty haha! No Good!!
A few texts were exchanged and I was headed up to Mont Royal with Baileys to meet Brad. We basically had pillow talk. It was that comfortable between us. We shared stories.. laughed a lot… It was an amazing feeling. We actually switched phones and swiped on tinder discussing our likes and dislikes. We messaged a few people too. What a night! Before we had met up, he asked if meeting at midnight up on the mountain was too romantic. I explained that I was just coming from the gym and that the sole purpose of this meet was to talk about his lady drama. ha! I offered to put a little lip gloss on to set the mood if he wanted something a little more romantic.. we had a good laugh. We honestly make each other so comfortable. I can’t fathom the potential we have together! I think we could take on the world!
We need people in our lives that can uplift you. People who are able to meet you eye to eye and equally input effort into friendships. I am a victim of always being the pillar for other people. I am usually the powerhouse in a friendship and tonight I didn’t have to be. We were on equal ground each bringing something to the table. Again, I’ll say it – Breakthrough of the CENTURY. This will help me moving forward in my life.
I’m laying in bed right now thinking about him. It’s different than the way I felt with Ben or Mounir. I suppose I feel protected and valued. Brad gave no sign of wanting anything more than friendship tonight. He wasn’t interested in sex or using me for my money. Mounir and Ben were sex animals. I think I was too at a certain season but that’s another story. You can find more about my past life in the rest of this blog along with debilitating stories of both Ben and Mounir. I loved them both but I didn’t have this connection with them.
In the beginning, Ben gave me a similar feeling;however once he starting asking for sex or sexual favors after each phone conversation/date, things got old. Of course, he will always have a special place in my heart even thought he lied to me about a lot of things. I poured my heart out to him about many things in my life. He was there for me through the growing pains and the issues with my parents. Don’t forget, I met Ben at 18. Life throws you curve balls and he helped me through all of them. Ben being my first love, I thought it was normal to give myself away on a whim. It’s all I knew. I followed Ben’s methods and thought they were the norm. Silly Girl!
Mounir was another special person. He was the next big love after Ben. I screwed that up by sleeping with Ben while I made Mounir wait 3 months for sex. The things we learn when we’re young… Andrea had told me to make Mounir wait. I was stupid. We had such passion. It was a breath of fresh air from Ben who would strip at the front door and demand me on my knees within seconds of walking into my house. Mounir knew how to touch me to heat me up. It was amazing. I remember, he used to pin me up against the wall and cup my breasts while pushing slightly inwards on my nipples. I would go weak in the knees. Several times, he ended up having to physically hold me up because the pleasure was too much to handle. Why didn’t I sleep with this man to satiate that need?? We’ll never know. Lots of firsts with him though once we did make love. I actually had anal sex with Mounir and a few months after we had broken up, I had a threesome with him. Many firsts.
I feel like both relationships left me with scars. Neither one was a committed relationship. We never had the talk. We never decided that we were exclusive, I just assumed. Communication is key. I have that open channel with Brad. I lied to him about my sexual experience though. I don’t think I can fix that without breaking the barrier of trust. I don’t think Brad and I will ever be something more than friends at this point. It’s just nice to be able to talk to him like a girlfriend. No pressure. I feel like hooking up with Brad would be one of those totally random things. Don’t get me wrong, I am attracted to him. He’s voiced that he’s very attracted to me however I shut him down when he had originally offered sex. I think I may have scared him a little bit. He said that he hasn’t offered sex to a woman the way he did with me since that incident. I love it! ha! When we first started talking, he was recently out of a ten year relationship- The guy had no clue how to date let alone get sex from someone significantly younger. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. 🙂
I miss Mounir sometimes. He had a lot of secrets. I remember Mohammed telling me that after simply looking at one of his pictures. Mohammed… another interesting story.
Tonight, I’m going to meet another guy to help him study for an interview. I shared a New Years kiss with him. It was earth shattering. I wonder that it would be like to kiss Brad?
That’s all for now. I kind of wish I wasn’t alone in bed right now. Sex or not, I want company. The meaning of sex changes as you grow up. I remember looking to sex for recognition. If I put out, I would have male attention. It doesn’t work like that anymore. Life gets busy and you learn to prioritize. I haven’t had sex since Dec 6, 2013. Alae was my last experience. I have a weird feeling tonight. I would like to say that I’m horny but I’m not. It’s like I have this deep deep desire to be loved. I’ve never felt like this before. I would give anything to simply be next to someone. Strange.
I would like to talk to Jimmy about what happened that night he came over. I think I need closure.
A phone number change may happen soon.
I want sex. I need to be in love. I want someone who values me for more than sex. Learning curves are great! I can’t wait to see what happens next with my friendships.
Hello Virgin Ava. 🙂 I genuinely feel happier not having sex. After reading through posts about previous experiences, I believe this is the most uplifting post I have ever written. It may be an age and maturity thing however, we have made progress in life.
Peace!
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